How Much Should You Share About Your Chronic Illness?

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Deciding how much you should share about your chronic illness can be stressful.

The usual question that follows, “Hi!” is “How are you?”

Honestly, this isn’t an actual question. It’s just filler talk. We’re supposed to reply with the standard, “good. How are you?” They say they’re good as well and the conversation actually begins.

If they follow up with, “how have you been feeling?” – well, now you’re in a sticky situation. If you share too much, some may find you whiny or label you as a hypochondriac. If you share too little, some may question just how sick you are. To top it off, you don’t want to be a room deflator when you’re together with a group of friends.

So how much is too much and how do you know just how much to share and when?

Here are five things to consider:

1. Tell facts regarding your illness when the situation/discussion leads to it. It’s best to share upfront. That way, when you have to enforce a limitation, others won’t think you’re using your illness as an excuse. An incident came up for me last Tuesday and I didn’t handle it properly. At our Bible study, we were discussing the annual Halloween night put on by the community. Our church serves hot dogs and candy during the festivities. When we were discussing the need for workers I wasn’t open about my physical limitations. I sat there. I should have simply said I’d love to help but I can’t be out in the cold – but I froze. Unfortunately, saying nothing could lead others to feel you’re disinterested.

2. Tell just enough to make your point. Telling a few details to make your limitations clear will allow the listener to see them as a fact of life for you – not a topic you’re using to gain sympathy. With my example above, I could have shared how being outside when it’s below 65 degrees can leave me in pain for days. I know the group enough to believe they would have understood based on that simple statement. There’s no need to continue by describing the pain or the way I try to deal with it over the days following a “chill”. After the first few statements, no matter how much they love you, your listeners will begin to hear the voice of Charlie Brown’s teacher. Wah, waaah, wah, waaaaaah, wah.

3. Be honest when you’re asked a question. If someone is sincerely asking how you are (not just the filler question) take a moment to answer. Depending on the level of your relationship, you’ll share appropriate facts. What you’ll share with your spouse or best friend is quite different than what you’ll tell an acquaintance you see at the store. Always consider the depth of your connection before you give them the low down on your physical status.

4. Consider the setting for the conversation. If you’re with a large group of people you’ll want to keep any details to a minimum – as opposed to when you’re chatting with your best friend, one on one. This goes back to not wanting to be a room deflator. If someone in the room is sharing how they’ve completed their first marathon, you don’t want to chime in with the narrative to your recent doctor’s appointment. Even is this would explain why you don’t run marathons yourself. I find Facebook groups geared toward your illness, or other support groups, can be a great place to find a listening ear or shoulder to lean on. You’re able to have a deeper discussion with others who share your struggle.

5. It’s more powerful for people to see your smile than to hear about your symptoms. I listened to a speech given by Nick Vujicic (a man born without limbs) where he said, “It’s more powerful to see a man with no arms and no legs smiling than it is to see a miracle. Most will never know the story behind the miracle, but they can see the ever-present attitude of joy and peace.” It can be an unrelenting struggle to show any signs of joy or peace when you’re suffering from a chronic illness. The easy route is to post your current symptom list on Facebook and hope for a few likes or comments that promise prayers. I get it, I struggle with it too. But how much more powerful would it be for others to see us push through with positivity, grasping tight to the strength of the Lord.

What other guidelines do you use when determining how much to share about your illness?

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