I don’t write a lot about my pain. I like to stick to other issues like brain fog, the emotional side of chronic illness, etc. Plus, to be honest, I don’t like to stick to one illness in my writing. I prefer to write to the chronically ill community as a whole. So this is different.
This is a post written raw at the moment about my night in pain. It’s currently 12:35 a.m. and I’m going to take you step-by-step through this fibro dance I’m in. The purpose isn’t for sympathy, I guess I thought about all the honest, gritty posts I read during invisible illness week and how I hadn’t participated. Openness and honesty help awareness.
Here’s what’s happening as I tap out the words of this post on my phone:
The temperature dropped quite a bit in the last 24-48 hours. Temperature change wreaks havoc on my pain. I don’t remember the last day I was pain-free all day. It’s been years.
I have to set the phone down between sentences because my hands are cramping so badly. I’ve even dropped it in response to a shooting pain that has run the length of my middle finger.
The pain du jour or du moment is like widespread flashes. I call it fireworks. My right leg is shooting off sharp pains in various places that linger for a few seconds then move to a new place.
I’ve apparently taken a hammer to the knee because it feels like it’s shattered. It’s not.
I woke my husband to hold me for a few minutes. I rarely do that. He gets up for work at 5 a.m. He worked 17 hours today and works tomorrow too. I hate to disturb him but a pain flare is very lonely and, at times, scary.
There aren’t any tears but my jaw is aching from being so clenched as if that’s some sort of defense from the inside attacks. Silly me, right? It only makes my jaw hurt.
My finger joints throb. And let’s not leave out the left toes-they feel like they have a Charlie horse.
The itching is awful. But what’s worse is finally giving in to scratch. See when the pain is this bad my fingertips feel like a set of Ginsu knives. I don’t look anymore, I know better, but in the past, I’ve turned the lights on because I’m sure even gently relieving the itch has drawn blood. It doesn’t.
There’s odd cramping in my throat. It’s from the middle of my throat to my right ear. It clenches tighter then loosens a bit. Gotta admit this is a new one. Feels like I’ve swallowed something much too large. I didn’t.
By the time I’ve adjusted myself to lay on my left side, body pillow between my knees, I’m totally annoyed with the feeling of my hair between my neck and head pillow. It might as well be the scratchiest hay you can find. I reach up to pull it out and now feel the wrinkle of my T-shirt. Upon straightening the T-shirt, I realize there’s no way I can attempt to sleep. My over-sensitive bladder is going to make a bathroom visit a must. The trick is always to wait long enough so that I’m pretty drowsy, go to the restroom, and return to bed and fall asleep before I feel like I have to repeat the process. Laying on my right side is better for this problem but the leg pain is predominately on the right at the moment so I can’t roll over.
The intense ache in my right calf mimics a vise. At times I can distract this type of pain by bouncing my leg or rubbing a different body part. It won’t work now. Not in this kind of flare. If you can imagine having a cinder block placed on top of your calf muscle and all you want to do is pull your leg out from under it. Yep, that’s how this feels but I can’t get out from under this.
I have to constantly move my legs. The pain and restlessness make it impossible to remain still.
If you’re not familiar with fibro, I’ve written about it here and here. You may be thinking that I should just go take ibuprofen and be done with it. Pain meds don’t work for me. You see, the pain really isn’t this bad. It’s all in my head – I wrote about it here.
I’m just sharing this as a way to bring a bit of awareness to the daily struggles one feels with fibro. Now on a different day, this story could be completely different. My legs are more of a problem today, but tomorrow it may be my back or shoulders or any other area that chooses to join in. The type of pain varies in intensity and type. There are so many types.
Some days are bearable, some days aren’t. Every day it’s present.
